10 STEPS FORWARD 5 STEPS BACKWARDS

There comes a time in a "survivors" life when the past comes back no matter how much work you have done to move on. Sometimes it's unavoidable and it has to be dealt with head on. Things come up as they always do, little things because you never really completely close the door on abuse/abuser. There's those questions that never get answered or answers we don't expect. My son now almost adult/teenager is finally "going through" the stage of "dealing" with the past only because its right in front of him and he cannot move forward. He is at an age where all the emotions and questions are bombarding him. He can no longer push the emotions down anymore because they are volatile in his mind. I've tried to explain to him that he needs to deal with them and he finally is but now he is at a point where it is on his terms. Yes he has a therapist to walk him through it after all he has been through these past several years being lost and trying to "self medicate."  I am still at the bottom of the food chain of him "hating" me, it still bothers me but I've learned all of us go through "I hate you" period.  There's no rhyme or reason, just keep pushing through. I know he's angry, I get that way sometimes too. I wanted it to be all roses and butterflies but life doesn't work out that way. It has scared me into not wanting to get married again to the point of where I called off my engagement to the man I have been with for many years. I thought I was ready but my mind says no. I might never be ready and my son was not happy about that but it was my choice not his. My significant other understands and is willing to deal with it.
         Hopefully the things my son is learning on this journey will help him choose the right path or be able to understand and deal with whatever comes his way without fail. Don't get me wrong these past few years with my son have been very harrowing while he's been trying to find himself. I still have several more to go and more gray hairs to follow. I am hoping that he realizes that just because he was born his "father's son" doesn't make him a carbon copy. He has to be his own person but he's so afraid of turning out like him that when you try to avoid something it ends up being the way you try to avoid in the end. I keep telling him to think about how "he" would react or what "he" would do and think and do the complete opposite. Sounds good in theory but doesn't always work out that way. I've told him and many others have told him, he has become more like his mother than anything. It would explain why we butt heads all the time because we are so much alike but he doesn't see it that way, hopefully it will sink in. For now, its one day at a time..

EVENTUALLY..CLOSING ALL DOORS

Well, some time has passed and we move on with our lives. We snap back into a routine despite its mundaneness and we live. I finally have had a chance to finally close that proverbial door. No it wasn't a miracle I'd like to call it fate having a little fun. For some reason..I have noticed not just with me but with other women out of an abusive situation that even though we are gone and are glad to be gone we still do not close the door on our abuser. Why? Because in our minds we have this hope this wish that we will leave and all of a sudden they will miraculously do a complete 180 and be the man we wished them to be. Well life's not all puppies and unicorns. Sometimes they end up worse and become an evolved form of themselves. Meaning when we leave the wolf sheds his clothing and becomes a statistic, ok so not a good word. Becomes who they really are meant to be. I have had my proverbial door shut in my mind and my heart, not expecting it of course. No I didnt talk to him or see him in person, but one thing rings true and is constant..A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.. I believe I have finally come to terms with my abuser on a level where I can understand and realize that it all true honesty it wasn't me that was causing him to be this way..IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG.. I have come to the conclusion that you can only help someone who wants to be helped. It scares me on the same level to the point of holy crap! that could've been me but then on the same token knowing myself and my emotional tolerance level would I have made it this far..gulp! would I have been alive! NOPE!! probably not..I dare say because the roller coaster ride of my every day life with him was just too much to bare mentally,physically and emotionally. My seizures at that time were a severe indication that this isn't going to get any better no matter how much I try to "fix it." I going through what I went through this passed week in regards to him was I am finally able to completely whole heartedly able to move on with my life. Don't get me wrong I have but now that "door" is closed for me which I thought it would never be. I can honestly say I am completely done with that chapter in my life and do not need to dwell or think about the situation again or him..I feel like a weight has been moved off of me.Most women never get the chance to close the proverbial door on their abusers but what a feeling when you finally get that chance..It is like being re-born..

WHEN LITTLE THINGS MEAN ALOT

The other day I had caught up with an old friend that I have known for quite some time. We were catching up on old times and old aquaintances. In conversation my ex husband came up which I knew it would. I was okay with it, but she had visited him and his girlfriend several years ago not knowing that we were no longer together. So it was quite a shock to her that she was not greeted by me. I dared to ask her what the "old place looked like" and "was his gf/my ex friend nice to you." She replied with an answer that I had already known but needed to hear from someone else, for what? I don't know peace of mind, poetic justice, I don't know, I guess in mind it was something that I didn't even know was really bothering me that much. Apparently it was. It seemed so petty in conversation now that I look back but it was my way of knowing that "his life" is still a shambles and just how bad the alcoholism has gotten and abuse. She gave me an answer I was actually surprised by and grateful for all in 2 sentences. Some things never change just get progresively worse. I believe it was a way to realize that things will never change and he will never change. His life will always be miserable because he is miserable and every day that I do something for my son or myself that betters our life the worse his life is. I suppose his life will always be stagnant and our lives will continue to shine. Someone once told me that I didn't need him, he needed me and that he kept me the way he did because he didn't want to see us shine because he knew we would leave him. He knew if he let us go that we wouldn't need him that is why he kept us down for so long. Eventually if you keep someone down for so long they eventually forget how to shine and live..because you forget who you are and who you were. That is the only way abusers seem to keep control of the person they are abusing..I guess it meant alot to me that he is still miserable and I am not..Petty?? maybe...but I sometimes we need affirmation for our own peace of mind...

PICKING UP THE PIECES..AGAIN

hmmm....Where do I begin...Well..One thing I have noticed myself included is that where do you go from an abusive situation? I can only use my own life as an example but what do you now that you finally have your life back? I was very young when I was in that situation and had no career and very little job experience except the basic waitressing and ugh..retail jobs. How can we start over where do we go from here? I spent so many years not being able to live out my dreams never thinking they would actually happen. I don't have the money  to go back to school, economic times and hard to find jobs make it even more difficult. Writing has always been my passion but lately does not pay the bills. I have come to the conclusion it is time for a career change. Now its about "refinding and redefining"
 ourselves..oh boy..I thought that process was over but apparently someone has a very twisted sense of humor. I have thought about a particular career but "my fear" always pushes the idea away. I've been toying with the idea for some time now I have even mentioned it in my book but I guess a big part of me is scared to death over it. Some women when they leave their abusive situations mostly have or had careers and the education to back it up. Then there's that percentage that do not have the skills,education or experience to make it on their own. Dead end jobs are all we know. Okay so we receive "grants" to help but we spend alot of money on books we can't afford which leaves us with no money. What do you do if you have children they have needs too. I know what I spend on groceries for one child I couldn't imagine 2 or more..not to mention clothes and shoes..the basics. Now move in the "rent,utilities, car insurance and repairs, etc." what is left? ZERO. Not every woman has had the luxury of gaining an education and/or career and can pick up where they left off. I am not able to make 60K a year or even 30k a year so then what? we fight the system tooth and nail to get help and its still not enough. Its not hard to see and know people losing their houses,jobs and livelihood..Normal jobs are hard to come by but what do you do when even the crappy jobs are non-existent? its a never ending circle..we end up just chasing our tails..

ACCEPTANCE...CLOSING DOORS..

Sometimes relationships can dissolve amicably and most likely not. The hardest part besides walking away is staying away. Realizing that you will never have the answers to questions or the answers you want to hear is very difficult to endure when all you want to do is move on. The door never completely closes, of course it can stay ajar but doesn't always close. Even when we can get a chance to "talk" to our abusers the conversation never turns out the way we want or expect. I remember that I had rehearsed this whole speech in my head over and over again. I had questions that I wanted honest answers too, but when I did get the chance to be face to face the conversation didn't go as planned. You have to learn to let go and accept the outcome. Mentally preparing is very frustrating when all you want to know is "WHY?" It took years for the anger to subside and sometimes it does arise but I have come to realize and accept that I was a different person back then. That person no longer exists. One thing that had surprised me so many years ago when I did talk to my ex abuser was the power was gone. I was stronger and he had realized that he had no power over me anymore. His demeanor was different maybe it was age, I don't know..but I used that to my advantage because I was in charge of the conversation. I know in my heart that I will never get to say everything I want to him but I have learned enough to realize that "you get what you need, not what you want." After being safe and secure, I was told to write a letter to him about the things I didn't get to say, it could be as long or as short as I wanted it to be. I was also informed NOT to mail it, which I didn't. Thirteen pages later and many rewrites. It was very theraputic. I made 2 copies one I kept and one I destroyed. I burned the second letter as a form of "letting it go." The other one I kept in a journal to be put away and not to be looked at not yet anway. It helped me let go of the anger, pain and sadness but it also helped me say what I wanted to say without interuption. I got it all off my chest and was cleansed of it. So in my mind it was my heart and mind closing the door on that life and completely letting go of that part of my life. Then I was ready to move on and start over..acceptance..

A NEW DAY A NEW STRUGGLE

Well, just when you think you have a handle on your life...BAM!! Something knocks you back a few steps,Why?? because it can. Every once in awhile you think you shut off "them" in your head and when something positive is going on in your life you hear them "playing the same old song over and over again." " You're gonna fail,you're not good at anything,why would they want you you're a loser,you're worthless.." The list could go on forever. What makes it even more bone chilling these "tapes" playing are my abusers voice. It doesn't happen often but it still happens from time to time. Usually I can stuff them down and move on but sometimes they are powerful because of my "feelings" that day or moment. Yes, I still get on that proverbial pity pot every once in awhile, I am only human. Unfortunately, it can take a couple of days to calm that down and keep myself going no matter what happens. "The old tapes playing" is one of the many effects of the abuse,the brainwashing. After constantly hearing these words day in and day out, year after year, you tend to believe them. Like I said you have to "reprogram" your brain sometimes though certain things creep up on you. Its all in how you handle it and let it go, some days are better than others. I "cleaned up" those degrading words they used to be more "descriptive." No sense in getting banned for in appropiate language, but thats a sample of what I would hear, a small sample. Of course there were plenty more where that came from. Abusers usually like to keep their victims down to make themselves feel good. When they call them those names or speak to them that way, nine times out of ten that is the way they are feeling about themselves. I haven't seen my ex in many years really don't have a reason too but I do know one thing about life its funny in an ironic sort of way. "What goes around comes around."

Moving On...

I know I go on and on about healing and breaking the cycle..but sometimes we need a little help from "our friends." I used to think that I wore this "survivor tag" on my forehead but I soon realized with the help of friends and people who have just met me  that I don't perceive myself that way. If the topic came up and somehow it always did  I didn't talk about the last 12 years of my life with anyone. It was like a void. I sometimes felt like I was living a double life. In a sense I was because the person I knew was in there seemed so little at the time and the person I was becoming was so "surreal." It took me a long time to open up to friends I had made along the way about my past but when "abuse" came up in topics I would cry and walk away. I tried to explain to certain people who "just didn't get it." Verbal and Emotional Abuse can be very difficult to explain inless you have been there, I know that sounds cliche but I suppose it is. Think of it as sitting in a dark room in a chair not being able to move,talk or even be around people and in this room is music, one song playing over and over again. At first you are okay I can learn to like this song and you even sing along in the beginning but eventually it starts to get annoying, then it gets dreadful until you start screaming for someone, anyone to shut it off. By this time months and years go by, then you realize "oh crap." When the music is finally shut off the song is still playing in your head and you think damn just one moment of silence, just one night of peacefulness. You eventually lower the volume in your head but the song remains the same and every time you hear it you want to rip your friggin ears off. When you see someone with a "radio" you want to smash it, every time you hear someone raise their voice or speak to someone inappropiately you cower and fall silent. When you get to a point in your healing you learn to shut off the "tapes" of your abuser it takes time but in time you learn to stuff the voices (song) You know its gonna be around but you're a little calmer and a little stronger. Abuse is abuse. Now that I went on a rant. Mental Warfare goes hand in hand with V and E abuse. Now that it has been so long my friends cannot believe that I went through that for so long not just with my abuser but my parents also. Especially since they know the person that I am now. I joke with them that you don't want to meet the person that I was hell I don't even want to remember that person, I buried her a long time ago. If you find yourself in a situation where your gut goes in knots when you are around your mate and not in a good way, that's your intution telling you this is not right and not acceptable, leave. Do not think it will get better, do not think that you can change them, do not accept this and feel that you deserve this because you do not..Do not take it as a joke because they are not..