Every day I remember pieces more and more, only to let them go like the wind. Although some do leave a lingering impression. I suppose to remind me of where I was and who I was. Damn it seems like a lifetime ago. Alas, where does the time go? I know it has been one hell of a journey and has yet to end. There are days I look back and wonder how and why I did make it. Did someone have a greater plan for me for the future or was I just lucky. It has been almost a decade, I say almost with a shutter, because I would have never thought I could get this far. My life seems almost "normal" as I am going to get. It's ironic that I am still here and still strong.
I look back, it makes me sad and a little angry at myself. If I had just left sooner would my life me going down a different path? Would would have happened if I did take the "road less traveled?" Would I be where I am at now? It makes me angry at myself because I "missed" out on alot in life, in my life. I try not to feel that way but its hard when you see friends you know and they have their lives all wrapped up in a pretty bow. Ok, so it took me a long time to get to this point and I went around bout way of getting here. So, I didn't finish College, I don't have that $60,000 a year job, 4 kids or a $400,000 home that I own, I don't travel all over the world but you know what I am here and alive. What I did do? Escape from an abusive life of my husband and parents with my son. I didn't have anything when I left, literally didn't even know where we were going to go, I didn't have a "backup" plan. I just knew it was time to go and go far. I don't think if I didn't have my son I wouldn't have had the strength I had/have to get through what we did. I mean its one thing to leave but the staying gone is the hardest thing to do, really. I had left so many times and came back I probably broke some kind of record. The emotions we have to endure after leaving is agony. I spent so many years "stuffing" my emotions so I wouldn't have to feel and get hurt that being Numb was all I knew. Then when I finally finally felt "safe" it was like taking the band aid off a leak in the Hoover Dam. It becomes so overwhelming like you can't breathe. If you let it, it can suffocate you. Little by little each day a little piece goes, but I think seeing how happy my son was every day made it a little easier sometimes. I was soooo angry. Sometimes I couldn't even look at my son, it was like a mirror image of "him." Now I look back and realize my son looks nothing like him and has my personality more and more each day. He is growing up to be a kind, compassionate, smart young man. It is very scary. It seems like only yesterday I was changing his diapers.lol.
Don't get me wrong there are still days after all this time that I "feel" that pain. More so like anger and sadness. When I was with my ex husband I was made to shut out the world and in turn he made the world shut me out. I was just existing and barely getting by..some days we live for the moment and some we live for the hour....
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