It's true not ALL of us came from "perfect" families, actually most of us know the truth of dysfunctionalism at its best. How,Why and When to walk,run or shy away? It took me almost a lifetime to find the courage to leave. I was well in my 30's before I realized "Hey its NOT all me and its not MY FAULT on everything that goes wrong in this world!"
We've tried calmly talking,we've tried begging and pleading, we've taken our periodical departure, we've even written letters, we've even called them out on it. BUT NOTHING works on a permanent basis. Your last hope...your last ditch effort, you either stand by and just "go with the flow" or "you walk away for good." I can't say that will work for everyone, but sometimes you have to do what's right for you and your well being. For me when the "time" came it was a no brainer. After healing and dealing with my abusive marriage it came down to one more cleansing. I was still feeling the "burn" of abusiveness. I couldn't move on. Through the years I had tried all the above but still to this day I am made to feel like I am the "piece of crap they stepped in many years ago and can't get off their shoe." I have made my mother cry and my father...well thats another story..but still no relief. It took a life changing moment to realize that this is where it all began and they were dragging my son into the realm of insanity. That's where it stopped. The way they had treated me all these years was being implicated to my son because he was the "spawn of me" and couldn't think for himself, ergo just like I couldn't at 30 something years old. I finally broke the abuse cycle and my life has gotten so much better on every sense of the reason. I am an only child so I had no guilt trips from siblings or grandparents, except an "adopted grandma" who laid down enough guilt for the last 20 something years until she got a dose of their abusiveness full force. In that moment she apologized for every moment she guilted me into calling them and now understood why. She never bothered me again but still couldn't fathom how parents can take their "love" away if things don't go their way and "love' me when things are running smoothly. My mother used to call it "tough love" thats fine but to me thats not what they were doing. I have used tough love myself but not to the point of vindictiveness. My parents didn't want to see or seem to care about what I wanted or needed. I was a callous on the heel of their lives. I don't understand why certain people have children and "try" to raise them but without emotion except anger. I was such an angry woman growing up because that was the only emotion I was allowed to feel around them. If I seemed happy or deeply sad I was told "to get over it."
Growing up was more than just toxic it was quite frankly abusive. Okay I am not pinning a halo around my head but I wasn't really a bad kid. It took me many years of therapy to finally sink in that I was a "normal kid,a normal teenager and a normal adult." SO my path through life wasn't smooth and yes I took a few obstacles, bumps and falls but to kick me while I am down and then bitch about how much of a "screw up I am" is not nuturing.
I make sure that I am straight forward with my son because I know he's not going to come to me with everything that bothers him in life but I want him to be able to come to me with the important stuff the troublesome things. I don't want him to be afraid of me to the point of where he hates me.
Being a parent doesn't come with a handbook If it did life would be easier and very boring.
The first year of being away from the toxicity was difficult because so many great things were happening in my life at that time. I had no one to share them with except my son. I couldn't call up "mom" and say "hey guess what I did or guess what happened to me" Holidays were hard also but I learned to surround myself with people who do love and care about me no strings attached. I realized every time I would walk away from them they way I did with my ex I would go back for more evenutally. I had to reprogram my brain to realize that it was not safe it was not healthy. I was only hurting myself. Of course I also had to "mourn" them because the loss technically was a loss. Even though you can't lose what you never had my mind still had to feel the pain of all those years. I was made to feel that I was this horrible horrible person and I couldn't do anything right in my life. Apparently even give birth because I am not able to have anymore children. In there eyes I couldn't live I didn't know how but ironically in the realm of that marriage, I managed to take care of the household bills, take care and raise my son, cook, clean etc. I was already doing all that although not in a good environment but it was getting done. I was never taught anything useful from them except how to "survive" by any means possible. Which actually became useful in the end as small as that was, it became my life. So do we stand by and "take it" or do we have a breaking point and learn to walk away??
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