He's NOT him..comparing all relationships to your old one

Okay so you're out of the abusive relationship and you really think your ready to date. Well hopefully enough healing and time has passed for you to continue to be healthy. It took me a year and I wasn't really looking for a relationship, it found me..well via, my son. We've been together 7 years and let me tell you it has had it bumps,obstacles, train wrecks and roller coaster rides but its still going because he has become my best friend. It took me a LONG time not to compare past the past relationship with this one. I have to catch myself once in awhile "well so and so used to say or do this or that." It is a realy hard habit to break. Even on an intimate level which is the worst thing to do to a man. In the beginning My son and I kept waiting for the "proverbial other shoe to drop" and when it didn't we had a hard time dealing with the normalcy. Its difficult to heal alone and work on yourself but when you add a mate to the whole situation it is even harder. Sometimes we think we are ready and we are defensive,untrusting and flat out crazy but if this person really loves you then they will stick around. Just remember in order to break the cycle truly break the cycle we have to be comfortable in our own skin and its all about self esteem. You learn to have a "tough cookie" attitude and rationalize everything from situations to conversations. I know for myself I would take everything out of context and feel I needed to persecute. I learned that it takes so long to adjust to thinking and feeling for ourselves that there are sooooo many "triggers" to set us off. At first we don't realize just how bad it could get. It can be something so minute to something so huge. Like oh that's how "so and so used to fold clothes" or "thats what so and so used to say" or "thats what so and so used to love" We don't even realize that we are doing this at the moment until someone calls us out on it. It takes time to erase those "tapes" in our heads. New memories are important. I used to stay away from places My ex and I used to go because most of the time they were bad memories, but now I have no fear and go to those places for 2 reasons one to tackle my fear and second to make new memories. It's all about New Memories because we have to "reprogram" our brains when we think about things in the past we have to delete and record new data. So next time we think about that place it will be recalled as a good memory and not a crappy one. It's hard not to compare our past relationship with a new one even if it wasn't abusive because our minds are still processing the loss of the person. It's even worse when you compare the "bedroom antics" with your new mate but it happens and you deal with it as best as you can. There are going to be quite a few issues with that but you have to work with your mate together. That can take awhile but it will happen in less you've made your partner feel like he is a idiot. So when dealing with your "new' mate remember to change the channel in your head..and enjoy life.

PTSD: coping and dealing with or without medication..

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has become more and more prevalent in not just veterans but also teenagers,mothers,fathers etc. There are alot more people being diagnosed with this Disorder. The key to this is do we medicate or not medicate? Myself? My teenage son? Well it has come to my realization that my son who his now a teenager is "finally" feeling the brunt of the past abusive situation that we have survived. I myself know it will be a LONG road to haul helping him deal with these emotions but I know deep down inside he will get through it. It takes time and patience. I was leary about putting him on medication but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. It was a last resort. He is young and resilient so hopefully we can get through this together. I am not "anti medication" or "pro medication" but I have come to realize that sometimes we do need something other than counseling to get through things for that moment in time. I don't recommend trying to deal with PTSD without it. Been there done that. I also had intense therapy through the ordeal. I see and know everything my son is going through and it pains me that he has to go through this now. I guess I was hoping that this was all behind us but some like I said in another post heal at there own pace and some never heal. An abuse survivor can go through the same effects as a veteran just on a different plane. There are still flashbacks, triggers reliving the pain over and over again in our minds and even having to reprogram our minds not to think like our old selves. I was told by the pyschatrist that dealing with it now between the ages of 14-19 have better chances of healing it as a opposed to waiting till we are adults. He had stated that someone my age will probably have to deal with PTSD on a certain level for the rest of my life because a part of our brain that processes those emotions and memories shut down after a certain age. Basically what is engrained there stays there and goes on permanent lunch, in less properly treated. I don't know how I got through my own "stuff" I guess I wanted it so badly to be free I did everything I knew possible to deal with it. I sometimes still have a hard time talking about it. Not so much for the fact that I don't want too but more so because I am embarrased of it and also don't want to be reminded of who I was then. In my eyes that person no longer exist and is not who I am today. Writing my book on what I had gone through was also very healing and therapuetic. I honestly believe that was a BIG help on healing my heart and soul. It was a roller coaster every step of the way. PTSD is not something you can just "get over" it can take years to heal and deal. Most cases do need medication I only say that because it helps you focus and sort the things you need to deal with once you open a flood gate. The medication helps you handle and sort each instance and emotion one at a time instead of an avalanche of them. It helps it become not so overwhelming. It is not a cure nor does it make everything "go away." So to medicate or not to medicate?

VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

I can't strees enough just how devasting verbal and emotional abuse can be. Yes, Physical Abuse is at the top of everyone's list as being the worst, but in my opinion its not. Bruises,Broken Bones, and even death are extreme, most people wonder why women stay so long if they are being "beaten." It's not always that cut and dry. Abusers don't always start off by hitting, there are levels of abuse. It can start off with verbal and emotional abuse. People usually say "oh its only words, or I wouldn't let him talk to me that way or treat me that way.' The bottom line is most people do on some level accept certain things in a relationship, I call it "blinded love" we see things differently when we love someone, but are the first to see others "getting abused" ironically can't see our own situation for what it is. The Military can use "mental warfare" and "brainwashing" as a defense tactic. That is the primary beginning of abuse. Think of it as being a hostage in a hostile environment, granted your not tied to a chair in a small room but you get the idea. Constant degradation,humiliation, withholding, torture...but eventually the person will crack. Hearing something constantly every day for however long does wear on you. Sometimes the verbal abuse is subtle and sometimes like in my situation its not. We are programmed to do things a certain way or speak a certain way to live a certain way and if we don't comply there will be consequences, severely. For example, A normal scenario: A woman has to go to the supermarket for a few things for dinner or is running late coming home from work, she calls up her spouse and say "hey I am running late, I will be there when I can, did you want me to pick anything up" Spouse is response:" okay no problem, I think we need milk, see you when you get home."
An Abusive scenario: The woman gets everything done before the spouse comes home and has a drink or dinner on table to avoid conflict." You don't schedule things that late or work too late and are home for them to make dinner. You also have to the house clean,kids fed, dogs walked and a nice meal on the table, before they come home. If these needs are not met then there will be a fight among fights, screaming,yelling and maybe even a push,shove or grab. It is constant and afterwhile you start believing what you are hearing about yourself no matter how hard you try to push it out of your mind it stays because you start to think well if I did this or said that maybe he wouldn't have acted or reacted that way. You start reenacting scenarios out in your head so you can avoid conflict. Forget about if you try to argue,fight or defend yourself, it makes things worse. It seems to fuel the situation because thats what they are looking for resistance, it makes them fight harder. Its like a drug to an abuser. After awhile you begin to lose your will to fight and just go with the flow, because your energy is gone. It can take years for a woman to realize she's even being verbally and emotionally abused by then there is so much internal damage that it can take just as many years to undo it. For every one year you've been in an abusive situation add 2 years to the healing. It took me many years to deprogram my brain and I still catch myself from time to time doing it and I correct myself as soon as I realize what I am doing. Even after you leave you still hear them in your head, their voice. They are telling you how bad you are, how fat,how skinny, how ugly, you can't do anything right, you can't cook, you are useless and how you are going to fail at everything you do or attempt. You have to learn to shut down those voices and push yourself back into your mind. It takes practice but it will happen.

TOXIC FAMILY..PART 2

Okay. Christmas is coming closer. You're dreading going to the relatives house for the Holidays. What to do? Well..It's not easy to completely walk away from a "toxic family" but sometimes you have to do what's best for you Not others. Unfortunately, I am still "linked" to mine through mail because of my son. Ironically, I do not hear from them all year except on my son's birthday and Christmas. He gets the normal cards with cash or a gift card. This year they gave him an obscene amount of money for a teenager for his birthday and Christmas which are a couple of weeks apart. Now I haven't gotten a Birthday card from them in almost 4 years, I am not complaining but it goes to show a person just how much "love" there is. The one year they sent him a card with an age on it, unfortunately it wasn't even the right age. My suggestion to people with toxic families should take a sabatical for 60 days. That will give them time to reacess the situation and give you time for a plan of action. It will also give you an idea the level of toxicity. I did that myself it was actually 90 days. Sometimes we have to step out of ourselves in order to see the whole picture of the problem. It gives us a new perspective. I also kept a journal of our conversations, phone calls, mail etc. I even mentioned how many time I tried to speak up for myself and tried to divert the conversation. My mother's response was I should really talk to my father. He apparently was still bitter over an incident that happened when I was 18. I have apologized over and over again explaining my reasoning. Out of my whole life she only had that "one incident" to condemn me with, my reply was about the "list" of things that "hurt" me. The one that gets her the most was when I was told to get an abortion or move out because she didn't like my ex husband. The grandchild they "adore" so much, which they wouldn't even have if I had listened. When they realized I didn't comply they threw me out pregnant at 6 months. That's there way of thinking..go figure..SO take the time to think about your situation and weigh out the pros and cons. If the family relationship is that toxic you really have to think about a way to deal with it or work around it. I will tell you this from what I have learned is that toxic families never ever get better only worse..Merry Christmas and Good Luck.

THE HOLIDAYS

Always loved the holidays...sometimes..but they were always bittersweet. Usually there was tension, abuse or lack of money. Actually most of the time all of the above. These past few years has been different, except for the lack of money, somehow that always remains constant. lol. Christmas used to be so much fun and now I am a little bit older and a little bit wiser. When did it come down to knowing who you could say what to? Ergo "Happy Holidays" We have become so indifferent on watching and listening to what we say to people so we don't offend them. When did Merry Christmas or Happy Hanakah become so offensive. People of course run you over in the stores like you are not even standing there, really? I figured young people would be guilty of it but NO its the elderly generation and 50's generation. I was taught to have respect for my elders but how can I when they are running me over in stores, running me down on the road,still driving when they shouldn't be and flipping me off,yes flipping me off as they go by. Then we get the "transplants" from a particular State and they think they do own the whole damn road and the whole damn store. Then when you call them  out on it they curse you up and down..My favorite saying has become more prevalent nowadays "Welcome to Jersey Now go the f' home!"
I remember a time when the holidays used to be about giving and sharing..Not about gifts or money. It was surrounding yourself with family and friends..having a good time, maybe even getting a little tipsy. Enjoying a nice day with a little extra. Now its become who gives the best presents,who gives the most money and eventually Christmas will be non-existent entirely so we won't have to worry about..Our kids will be telling their kids and grandkids, "I remember when we had one day out of the year where we all gathered around the table and had a full dinner,gave gifts,laughed, talked and enjoyed each others company."

knowing when to "clean house"

I had mentioned before that I like to "clean house" on friends. I have done this for a very long time because sometimes friends drift apart, we change or they have an agenda. When I left my abusive situation I had come to the realization that I had to change people,places and things in order to completely move on. Sometimes its a healthy choice and sometimes we just do what we have to do which may seem selfish. It can seem selfish but we have to do whats best for us to heal and move on. I had to remove all "links" to my old life, much easier said than done. On certain aspects it was a little easier but as far as friends from the old neighborhood they made it pretty easy because I was now considered an outsider. They pushed me away which in turn I feel were never my friends to begin with. I change and grow every day so does my dreams,hopes and goals. Some friends change with us and some stay stagnant and the friendship becomes unhealthy. I've lost alot of friends along the way to my own demise but also because they weren't real friends to begin with. A true friend is there for you no matter what and vice versa, they cry with you when you're sad and kick you in the butt when you need it. They also do not make you feel bad when things in your life are going well and they are having a hard time. They are happy for you when things go right and sad for you when they dont. They DO NOT criticize you for your accomplishments,make you feel bad for good things in your life or only acknowledge you when they need something. Too many people in this day and age don't bother with other people and ironically I now know why. People have agendas, social appearances/standings or are aquaintances. No one knows how to be a true friend these days. People are/have been so closed off in their lives because they don't want any drama or be bothered with anyone else's crap. If they are your "friend" it has come down to "keeping up with the jones', what they can get from you/agenda, or aren't a real friend just someone to talk to till someone better comes along. Very few people will give you their shirt off their back anymore because eventually they will want the shirt back with interest. One thing I have learned in my healing that people are put in our lives for a reason, for that moment to help us deal with whatever we are going through but eventually there comes a time when you realize that your common ground is no longer common. So gradually you start to pull away.. It's not easy these days to find someone real that will stick with you through thick and thin because eventually it wears off..so tread lightly and go with your gut..

HAVING A HARD TIME HEALING from abuse

Getting out of an abusive situation can take a long time BUT healing from it takes even longer. Everyone has there own healing pace, if you try to "rush" it, it can and will backfire on you. A little bit each day no more than you can handle and sometimes you have good days and sometimes really bad days. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will be a severe roller coaster of emotions, Up and DOWN, side to side. One thing I have learned is YOU will get through it no matter how bad things seem or may get. This too shall pass. There were days I was soo angry at him and some days I was angry at myself.  Why was I angry at myself? because I stayed so long. I had the case of "shoulda,woulda,couldas but didn'ts." Crying is a very important part of the healing process, seriously, it releases us, it relieves us mentally. Its a cleansing. Don't worry about what lay ahead think about the present the moment if you have too. There were days where I was dealing with it hour by hour. Its what you can handle. We basically have to grieve,deal, grieve, deal, get mad, cry,deal, and scream. It is not easy and there will be times for a split second where you try to justify "going back" but remember thinking about it can be dangerous because we are vulnerable. As long as you don't act on it things will start to become clear. Eventually when the thought does come around again and believe me it will, it won't even be thought of for longer than a millisecond and be gone. It took me a long long time to "reprogram" my mind into believing that he wasn't going to come bashing through the door and spouting obscenties to "where's his f'in dinner you lazy c*** bag?!" like we really have to answer that. One thing that kept the healing process moving forward was a journal. Write it down no matter how stupid or petty it seems to you, its not. At first it will be hard and the entries will seem forced or you will be all across the board and it will seem like a crazy person wrote it but keep writing. Eventually it will all make sense. No matter what in the beginning when you first start the journal keep the entries going forward do not be tempted to look at past entries not until you are ready and that might take some time. When you completely fill up the 5 subject notebook YES 5 subject then you can look through your entries and see your good days and bad days. It will also help you understand the healing and what you've gone through in such a short amount of time. One saying I write in the beginning of all my journals is something that keeps me going. "Fear is only as strong as the power you give it." remember the more you feel free the smaller the power of them gets. It is all about taking back the power of ourselves. Finding out who we are and what we can become..that is the greatest power..