THE PAST IS THE PAST...SOMETIMES

Well another Holiday has passed without a hitch. It's funny how you spend so much time trying to avoid things from your past; friends,places and memories, but they have a funny way of creeping up on you when you least expect it. I caught up with an old friend who I have know for over 20 something years. We got together and met at a place I normally don't feel comfortable, "a College Bar." Yeah I know what was I thinking...really what was I thinking? The level of noise was that of a "rock concert" which I believe is quieter. We were all stacked like cattle couldn't move, couldn't breathe, body parts were being positioned in ways they shouldn't have. Anyway..I was hoping not to run into anyone else I knew, which in that town is hard not to do. Ironically its less than a mile from where I used to live with my ex husband. Lo and Behold, I ran into someone from the "neighborhood" which I had a feeling I would since I knew they frequented that place. It was awkward, really awkward. It's not even about not really saying anything to this person which we barely said hello to. I remarked later on to my friend that it's not about "running into" people that bothers me its my new life getting back to my ex that bothers me. I worked too hard to get where I am at today and in my opinion "he" doesn't deserve to know about his son or my life. He lost that right many years ago. People don't understand what I mean when I say that. Its basically like what are you afraid of, it has nothing to do with "fear" its more about privacy. He didn't care about us when we were married and a family so why should he be allowed to know what goes on in our lives. We spent too many years trying to recover from him and forget about him. Why should we be reminded of where we were and who we were when we were together? Small town, people usually can't wait to say "Oh guess who I ran into at the Bar?" No matter how you slice it there isn't a nice way of saying that.lol. News travels at the speed of light in a small town. Its like everyone needs to tell me what's going on in his life, If I really really wanted to know I would have asked, Did I? NO! I also came to the conclusion that I have hit that mark of where I am officially "old" and the "College Bar Scene" is not for me. I want to go somewhere and be able to sit, have a few drinks, be able to talk and hear myself think. It just seems that no matter what I do or where I go I cannot get away from my old life. I guess that saying this State isn't big enough for the both of us rings true. just a small rant. That I don't want to be reminded of my past that is why it is called a past because it is gone. You want to talk about the present and possibly the future I am all ears but let the skeletons stay where they are because they are resting peacefully..alone..

REMEMBERING...MEMORIAL..

These upcoming Holidays are so bittersweet for me. I have "no real family" per se, my son,boyfriend and I usually surround ourselves with friends during these times. Basically anyone who doesn't have a place to go on Thanksgiving and Christmas. My table has been full with laughter,good food, and love. This year is different as was last year. I lost a very very dear friend of mine due to Domestic Violence, Unfortunately Her husband was never convicted of the said crime because It was more on the "Verbal and Emotional Abuse" level. She was an epileptic but the stress of everything going on in their "life" pushed her over the edge. "They" said she had a seizure and never woke up. This was a week before Christmas. No matter how many times you talk to women or show them that the "grass is greener" on the other side sometimes they are just so far gone that nothing you say or do will help. Specially if they are not ready to listen. In my mind her abuser/husband will always be at fault for her early demise, she was only 35 years old and left behind 3 beautiful children. Who now have a wonderful, healthy, happy life. She was there for me in the "height" of my abusive situation and we bonded over our parellel lives. It breaks my heart that I had to bury such a young woman, a good friend. In the last several months before her death, her husband didn't like the fact that I knew more than I should about his life and I was "filling her head"with all this nonsense. He had alot of very dark secrets that he kept from the outside world and I believe on some level from her. He put a wedge between my friend and the kids because we were getting "too close" and he didn't like it. On the same token, unfortunately she allowed it because he had her so brainwashed that he "was perfect" and everyone in the outside world was out to get "them." I kept close tabs on her and the kids because I worried about her constantly, with every right too. On the day of her funeral, her husband actually tried to keep the kids away from me but her oldest who I had known since he was a baby and my son grew up with wouldn't leave my side. Every chance he got when his father wasn't around he would be glued to us. He knew that we knew the truth because he could always be himself when he would come over to hang out. He was a really good kid but his parents never gave him the benefit of the doubt or tools to shine. I recently saw pictures of the kids since they are now living with there Aunt they are loved,clean,healthy and happy for the first time in their lives, with no contact with their father. Their isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her, when she passed a piece of my heart left too. I see her smile,her eyes and her rebellion in those kids and it makes my heart proud that her spirit still lives on...in the children...I miss you and love you my dear friend MARCIA...R.I.P. 12-17-2009.

BREAK THE SILENCE..BREAK THE CYCLE..moving on...

Okay so You're out of the abusive situation Now What? Be prepared to face a convoy of emotions all at once. They can be doled out a little at a time or they can be a flood gate. It's all up to you. With a good counselor you can learn to ease into dealing with them one at a time. It will be a roller coaster and unfortunately you will have a moment of insanity to where you think "it wasn't so bad,things will be different because I know what I am dealing with and can handle it." Having that split second decision will either make you or break you. You will start to rationalize that it wasn't so bad and you can handle it because still in your heart you can't "let go" of them. Thats what I call "stinking thinking." I found for myself this last time around when those thoughts come around and they will every so often that you keep yourself occupied, mentally and physically. Stay away from phones and getting in your car. I would say oh I am just going for a drive and end up driving by the old neighborhood, just to see if he was out there. We even rationalize it "Oh we ran into each other." I had a restraining order so that wasn't a smart thing to do. All the other times I left I still left the proverbial door open, just in case. This time I made sure I never went back. I filed a restraining order which I knew in my mind I would never go against. Sure I did drive through the old neighborhood to see old friends but made sure he wasn't around or home. That way it wasn't in "violation" of the order. I also got brazen enough to "allow" him to see me from a distance but would leave as soon as he did. In mu mind that was "see what you lost and never will have again" attitude. I was still so angry for so long, so going back wasn't in my mind at all. He took so much from me and all I did was give,give,give. It was an exhausting relationship. Even without the abuse at times because when things would go wrong he would pin them on me and blame me for my "issues" but in reality it was really his "issues" that caused alot of the problems. It's one thing to have issues in a marriage besides money, but add alcohol,abuse, infidelity,children etc. It is a rising volcano and eventually will be very very messy. There were never apologies from him. I would be angry at him for something, he would manipulate the whole thing and he should've been apologizing but in the end I would be saying I am sorry for something he did. He was that good at it, he had a good teacher, his mother. Its incredible how verbal and emotional abuse and even mental are so "quiet." The year I left was "surreal" I don't know how I got through it. I think in the beginning I didn't focus on it and stuffed it because my son was going through it and I had to be strong for him. SO I didn't deal with my own demons for awhile. I just trudged through and cried myself to sleep mostly. My nightmares couldn't be hidden. I just dealt with them the best I could. Some of them were flashbacks inside of nightmares. I had no one around I could trust to talk to. My "mother" didn't want to hear about it, "out of sight out of mind." My son and I weren't allowed to talk about where we had been or what we had endured, my son didn't know how to handle it. So we had our night of going out to dinner just the two of us and we would talk about everything that we weren't allowed to talk about. Which helped my son mostly because he needed that reassurance of it wasn't his fault. It also gave us time to be ourselves in front of each other without being "scolded" for it. I didn't have a choice to not go back "home" but you do what you have to for your child. I basically went from the frying pan to the fire living at home. In my heart I knew it wouldn't last but it was "safe" clean and warm. We kept ourselves busy so we wouldn't have to be there much which was hard to do because I even got yelled at for that. My son joined cub scouts and we did ALOT of outings and functions. My son loved it, but it made us come home all hours. In "normal" peoples minds it wasn't late. Between den meetings,pack meetings and hanging out with friends it was normal. We were home by 8pm at the latest and usually it wasn't a school night. Just another reason to complain about how much of an unfit mother I am...some things never change I suppose..

TOXIC FAMILY...WHY DO WE INHALE??

It's true not ALL of us came from "perfect" families, actually most of us know the truth of dysfunctionalism at its best. How,Why and When to walk,run or shy away? It took me almost a lifetime to find the courage to leave. I was well in my 30's before I realized "Hey its NOT all me and its not MY FAULT on everything that goes wrong in this world!"
We've tried calmly talking,we've tried begging and pleading, we've taken our periodical departure, we've even written letters, we've even called them out on it. BUT NOTHING works on a permanent basis. Your last hope...your last ditch effort, you either stand by and just "go with the flow" or "you walk away for good." I can't say that will work for everyone, but sometimes you have to do what's right for you and your well being. For me when the "time" came it was a no brainer. After healing and dealing with my abusive marriage it came down to one more cleansing. I was still feeling the "burn" of abusiveness. I couldn't move on. Through the years I had tried all the above but still to this day I am made to feel like I am the "piece of crap they stepped in many years ago and can't get off their shoe." I have made my mother cry and my father...well thats another story..but still no relief. It took a life changing moment to realize that this is where it all began and they were dragging my son into the realm of insanity. That's where it stopped. The way they had treated me all these years was being implicated to my son because he was the "spawn of me" and couldn't think for himself, ergo just like I couldn't at 30 something years old. I finally broke the abuse cycle and my life has gotten so much better on every sense of the reason. I am an only child so I had no guilt trips from siblings or grandparents, except an "adopted grandma" who laid down enough guilt for the last 20 something years until she got a dose of their abusiveness full force. In that moment she apologized for every moment she guilted me into calling them and now understood why. She never bothered me again but still couldn't fathom how parents can take their "love" away if things don't go their way and "love' me when things are running smoothly. My mother used to call it "tough love" thats fine but to me thats not what they were doing. I have used tough love myself but not to the point of vindictiveness. My parents didn't want to see or seem to care about what I wanted or needed. I was a callous on the heel of their lives. I don't understand why certain people have children and "try" to raise them but without emotion except anger. I was such an angry woman growing up because that was the only emotion I was allowed to feel around them. If I seemed happy or deeply sad I was told "to get over it."
Growing up was more than just toxic it was quite frankly abusive. Okay I am not pinning a halo around my head but I wasn't really a bad kid. It took me many years of therapy to finally sink in that I was a "normal kid,a normal teenager and a normal adult." SO my path through life wasn't smooth and yes I took a few obstacles, bumps and falls but to kick me while I am down and then bitch about how much of a "screw up I am" is not nuturing.
I make sure that I am straight forward with my son because I know he's not going to come to me with everything that bothers him in life but I want him to be able to come to me with the important stuff the troublesome things. I don't want him to be afraid of me to the point of where he hates me.
Being a parent doesn't come with a handbook If it did life would be easier and very boring.
The first year of being away from the toxicity was difficult because so many great things were happening in my life at that time. I had no one to share them with except my son. I couldn't call up "mom" and say "hey guess what I did or guess what happened to me" Holidays were hard also but I learned to surround myself with people who do love and care about me no strings attached. I realized every time I would walk away from them they way I did with my ex I would go back for more evenutally. I had to reprogram my brain to realize that it was not safe it was not healthy. I was only hurting myself. Of course I also had to "mourn" them because the loss technically was a loss. Even though you can't lose what you never had my mind still had to feel the pain of all those years. I was made to feel that I was this horrible horrible person and I couldn't do anything right in my life. Apparently even give birth because I am not able to have anymore children. In there eyes I couldn't live I didn't know how but ironically in the realm of that marriage, I managed to take care of the household bills, take care and raise my son, cook, clean etc. I was already doing all that although not in a good environment but it was getting done. I was never taught anything useful from them except how to "survive" by any means possible. Which actually became useful in the end as small as that was, it became my life. So do we stand by and "take it" or do we have a breaking point and learn to walk away??