EVENTUALLY..CLOSING ALL DOORS

Well, some time has passed and we move on with our lives. We snap back into a routine despite its mundaneness and we live. I finally have had a chance to finally close that proverbial door. No it wasn't a miracle I'd like to call it fate having a little fun. For some reason..I have noticed not just with me but with other women out of an abusive situation that even though we are gone and are glad to be gone we still do not close the door on our abuser. Why? Because in our minds we have this hope this wish that we will leave and all of a sudden they will miraculously do a complete 180 and be the man we wished them to be. Well life's not all puppies and unicorns. Sometimes they end up worse and become an evolved form of themselves. Meaning when we leave the wolf sheds his clothing and becomes a statistic, ok so not a good word. Becomes who they really are meant to be. I have had my proverbial door shut in my mind and my heart, not expecting it of course. No I didnt talk to him or see him in person, but one thing rings true and is constant..A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.. I believe I have finally come to terms with my abuser on a level where I can understand and realize that it all true honesty it wasn't me that was causing him to be this way..IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG.. I have come to the conclusion that you can only help someone who wants to be helped. It scares me on the same level to the point of holy crap! that could've been me but then on the same token knowing myself and my emotional tolerance level would I have made it this far..gulp! would I have been alive! NOPE!! probably not..I dare say because the roller coaster ride of my every day life with him was just too much to bare mentally,physically and emotionally. My seizures at that time were a severe indication that this isn't going to get any better no matter how much I try to "fix it." I going through what I went through this passed week in regards to him was I am finally able to completely whole heartedly able to move on with my life. Don't get me wrong I have but now that "door" is closed for me which I thought it would never be. I can honestly say I am completely done with that chapter in my life and do not need to dwell or think about the situation again or him..I feel like a weight has been moved off of me.Most women never get the chance to close the proverbial door on their abusers but what a feeling when you finally get that chance..It is like being re-born..

WHEN LITTLE THINGS MEAN ALOT

The other day I had caught up with an old friend that I have known for quite some time. We were catching up on old times and old aquaintances. In conversation my ex husband came up which I knew it would. I was okay with it, but she had visited him and his girlfriend several years ago not knowing that we were no longer together. So it was quite a shock to her that she was not greeted by me. I dared to ask her what the "old place looked like" and "was his gf/my ex friend nice to you." She replied with an answer that I had already known but needed to hear from someone else, for what? I don't know peace of mind, poetic justice, I don't know, I guess in mind it was something that I didn't even know was really bothering me that much. Apparently it was. It seemed so petty in conversation now that I look back but it was my way of knowing that "his life" is still a shambles and just how bad the alcoholism has gotten and abuse. She gave me an answer I was actually surprised by and grateful for all in 2 sentences. Some things never change just get progresively worse. I believe it was a way to realize that things will never change and he will never change. His life will always be miserable because he is miserable and every day that I do something for my son or myself that betters our life the worse his life is. I suppose his life will always be stagnant and our lives will continue to shine. Someone once told me that I didn't need him, he needed me and that he kept me the way he did because he didn't want to see us shine because he knew we would leave him. He knew if he let us go that we wouldn't need him that is why he kept us down for so long. Eventually if you keep someone down for so long they eventually forget how to shine and live..because you forget who you are and who you were. That is the only way abusers seem to keep control of the person they are abusing..I guess it meant alot to me that he is still miserable and I am not..Petty?? maybe...but I sometimes we need affirmation for our own peace of mind...