PICKING UP THE PIECES..AGAIN

hmmm....Where do I begin...Well..One thing I have noticed myself included is that where do you go from an abusive situation? I can only use my own life as an example but what do you now that you finally have your life back? I was very young when I was in that situation and had no career and very little job experience except the basic waitressing and ugh..retail jobs. How can we start over where do we go from here? I spent so many years not being able to live out my dreams never thinking they would actually happen. I don't have the money  to go back to school, economic times and hard to find jobs make it even more difficult. Writing has always been my passion but lately does not pay the bills. I have come to the conclusion it is time for a career change. Now its about "refinding and redefining"
 ourselves..oh boy..I thought that process was over but apparently someone has a very twisted sense of humor. I have thought about a particular career but "my fear" always pushes the idea away. I've been toying with the idea for some time now I have even mentioned it in my book but I guess a big part of me is scared to death over it. Some women when they leave their abusive situations mostly have or had careers and the education to back it up. Then there's that percentage that do not have the skills,education or experience to make it on their own. Dead end jobs are all we know. Okay so we receive "grants" to help but we spend alot of money on books we can't afford which leaves us with no money. What do you do if you have children they have needs too. I know what I spend on groceries for one child I couldn't imagine 2 or more..not to mention clothes and shoes..the basics. Now move in the "rent,utilities, car insurance and repairs, etc." what is left? ZERO. Not every woman has had the luxury of gaining an education and/or career and can pick up where they left off. I am not able to make 60K a year or even 30k a year so then what? we fight the system tooth and nail to get help and its still not enough. Its not hard to see and know people losing their houses,jobs and livelihood..Normal jobs are hard to come by but what do you do when even the crappy jobs are non-existent? its a never ending circle..we end up just chasing our tails..

ACCEPTANCE...CLOSING DOORS..

Sometimes relationships can dissolve amicably and most likely not. The hardest part besides walking away is staying away. Realizing that you will never have the answers to questions or the answers you want to hear is very difficult to endure when all you want to do is move on. The door never completely closes, of course it can stay ajar but doesn't always close. Even when we can get a chance to "talk" to our abusers the conversation never turns out the way we want or expect. I remember that I had rehearsed this whole speech in my head over and over again. I had questions that I wanted honest answers too, but when I did get the chance to be face to face the conversation didn't go as planned. You have to learn to let go and accept the outcome. Mentally preparing is very frustrating when all you want to know is "WHY?" It took years for the anger to subside and sometimes it does arise but I have come to realize and accept that I was a different person back then. That person no longer exists. One thing that had surprised me so many years ago when I did talk to my ex abuser was the power was gone. I was stronger and he had realized that he had no power over me anymore. His demeanor was different maybe it was age, I don't know..but I used that to my advantage because I was in charge of the conversation. I know in my heart that I will never get to say everything I want to him but I have learned enough to realize that "you get what you need, not what you want." After being safe and secure, I was told to write a letter to him about the things I didn't get to say, it could be as long or as short as I wanted it to be. I was also informed NOT to mail it, which I didn't. Thirteen pages later and many rewrites. It was very theraputic. I made 2 copies one I kept and one I destroyed. I burned the second letter as a form of "letting it go." The other one I kept in a journal to be put away and not to be looked at not yet anway. It helped me let go of the anger, pain and sadness but it also helped me say what I wanted to say without interuption. I got it all off my chest and was cleansed of it. So in my mind it was my heart and mind closing the door on that life and completely letting go of that part of my life. Then I was ready to move on and start over..acceptance..