A NEW DAY A NEW STRUGGLE

Well, just when you think you have a handle on your life...BAM!! Something knocks you back a few steps,Why?? because it can. Every once in awhile you think you shut off "them" in your head and when something positive is going on in your life you hear them "playing the same old song over and over again." " You're gonna fail,you're not good at anything,why would they want you you're a loser,you're worthless.." The list could go on forever. What makes it even more bone chilling these "tapes" playing are my abusers voice. It doesn't happen often but it still happens from time to time. Usually I can stuff them down and move on but sometimes they are powerful because of my "feelings" that day or moment. Yes, I still get on that proverbial pity pot every once in awhile, I am only human. Unfortunately, it can take a couple of days to calm that down and keep myself going no matter what happens. "The old tapes playing" is one of the many effects of the abuse,the brainwashing. After constantly hearing these words day in and day out, year after year, you tend to believe them. Like I said you have to "reprogram" your brain sometimes though certain things creep up on you. Its all in how you handle it and let it go, some days are better than others. I "cleaned up" those degrading words they used to be more "descriptive." No sense in getting banned for in appropiate language, but thats a sample of what I would hear, a small sample. Of course there were plenty more where that came from. Abusers usually like to keep their victims down to make themselves feel good. When they call them those names or speak to them that way, nine times out of ten that is the way they are feeling about themselves. I haven't seen my ex in many years really don't have a reason too but I do know one thing about life its funny in an ironic sort of way. "What goes around comes around."

Moving On...

I know I go on and on about healing and breaking the cycle..but sometimes we need a little help from "our friends." I used to think that I wore this "survivor tag" on my forehead but I soon realized with the help of friends and people who have just met me  that I don't perceive myself that way. If the topic came up and somehow it always did  I didn't talk about the last 12 years of my life with anyone. It was like a void. I sometimes felt like I was living a double life. In a sense I was because the person I knew was in there seemed so little at the time and the person I was becoming was so "surreal." It took me a long time to open up to friends I had made along the way about my past but when "abuse" came up in topics I would cry and walk away. I tried to explain to certain people who "just didn't get it." Verbal and Emotional Abuse can be very difficult to explain inless you have been there, I know that sounds cliche but I suppose it is. Think of it as sitting in a dark room in a chair not being able to move,talk or even be around people and in this room is music, one song playing over and over again. At first you are okay I can learn to like this song and you even sing along in the beginning but eventually it starts to get annoying, then it gets dreadful until you start screaming for someone, anyone to shut it off. By this time months and years go by, then you realize "oh crap." When the music is finally shut off the song is still playing in your head and you think damn just one moment of silence, just one night of peacefulness. You eventually lower the volume in your head but the song remains the same and every time you hear it you want to rip your friggin ears off. When you see someone with a "radio" you want to smash it, every time you hear someone raise their voice or speak to someone inappropiately you cower and fall silent. When you get to a point in your healing you learn to shut off the "tapes" of your abuser it takes time but in time you learn to stuff the voices (song) You know its gonna be around but you're a little calmer and a little stronger. Abuse is abuse. Now that I went on a rant. Mental Warfare goes hand in hand with V and E abuse. Now that it has been so long my friends cannot believe that I went through that for so long not just with my abuser but my parents also. Especially since they know the person that I am now. I joke with them that you don't want to meet the person that I was hell I don't even want to remember that person, I buried her a long time ago. If you find yourself in a situation where your gut goes in knots when you are around your mate and not in a good way, that's your intution telling you this is not right and not acceptable, leave. Do not think it will get better, do not think that you can change them, do not accept this and feel that you deserve this because you do not..Do not take it as a joke because they are not..

frog in a pot: He's NOT him..comparing all relationships to your ...

frog in a pot: He's NOT him..comparing all relationships to your ...: "Okay so you're out of the abusive relationship and you really think your ready to date. Well hopefully enough healing and time has passed fo..."