There comes a time in a "survivors" life when the past comes back no matter how much work you have done to move on. Sometimes it's unavoidable and it has to be dealt with head on. Things come up as they always do, little things because you never really completely close the door on abuse/abuser. There's those questions that never get answered or answers we don't expect. My son now almost adult/teenager is finally "going through" the stage of "dealing" with the past only because its right in front of him and he cannot move forward. He is at an age where all the emotions and questions are bombarding him. He can no longer push the emotions down anymore because they are volatile in his mind. I've tried to explain to him that he needs to deal with them and he finally is but now he is at a point where it is on his terms. Yes he has a therapist to walk him through it after all he has been through these past several years being lost and trying to "self medicate." I am still at the bottom of the food chain of him "hating" me, it still bothers me but I've learned all of us go through "I hate you" period. There's no rhyme or reason, just keep pushing through. I know he's angry, I get that way sometimes too. I wanted it to be all roses and butterflies but life doesn't work out that way. It has scared me into not wanting to get married again to the point of where I called off my engagement to the man I have been with for many years. I thought I was ready but my mind says no. I might never be ready and my son was not happy about that but it was my choice not his. My significant other understands and is willing to deal with it.
Hopefully the things my son is learning on this journey will help him choose the right path or be able to understand and deal with whatever comes his way without fail. Don't get me wrong these past few years with my son have been very harrowing while he's been trying to find himself. I still have several more to go and more gray hairs to follow. I am hoping that he realizes that just because he was born his "father's son" doesn't make him a carbon copy. He has to be his own person but he's so afraid of turning out like him that when you try to avoid something it ends up being the way you try to avoid in the end. I keep telling him to think about how "he" would react or what "he" would do and think and do the complete opposite. Sounds good in theory but doesn't always work out that way. I've told him and many others have told him, he has become more like his mother than anything. It would explain why we butt heads all the time because we are so much alike but he doesn't see it that way, hopefully it will sink in. For now, its one day at a time..
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