ACCEPTANCE...CLOSING DOORS..

Sometimes relationships can dissolve amicably and most likely not. The hardest part besides walking away is staying away. Realizing that you will never have the answers to questions or the answers you want to hear is very difficult to endure when all you want to do is move on. The door never completely closes, of course it can stay ajar but doesn't always close. Even when we can get a chance to "talk" to our abusers the conversation never turns out the way we want or expect. I remember that I had rehearsed this whole speech in my head over and over again. I had questions that I wanted honest answers too, but when I did get the chance to be face to face the conversation didn't go as planned. You have to learn to let go and accept the outcome. Mentally preparing is very frustrating when all you want to know is "WHY?" It took years for the anger to subside and sometimes it does arise but I have come to realize and accept that I was a different person back then. That person no longer exists. One thing that had surprised me so many years ago when I did talk to my ex abuser was the power was gone. I was stronger and he had realized that he had no power over me anymore. His demeanor was different maybe it was age, I don't know..but I used that to my advantage because I was in charge of the conversation. I know in my heart that I will never get to say everything I want to him but I have learned enough to realize that "you get what you need, not what you want." After being safe and secure, I was told to write a letter to him about the things I didn't get to say, it could be as long or as short as I wanted it to be. I was also informed NOT to mail it, which I didn't. Thirteen pages later and many rewrites. It was very theraputic. I made 2 copies one I kept and one I destroyed. I burned the second letter as a form of "letting it go." The other one I kept in a journal to be put away and not to be looked at not yet anway. It helped me let go of the anger, pain and sadness but it also helped me say what I wanted to say without interuption. I got it all off my chest and was cleansed of it. So in my mind it was my heart and mind closing the door on that life and completely letting go of that part of my life. Then I was ready to move on and start over..acceptance..