10 STEPS FORWARD 5 STEPS BACKWARDS

There comes a time in a "survivors" life when the past comes back no matter how much work you have done to move on. Sometimes it's unavoidable and it has to be dealt with head on. Things come up as they always do, little things because you never really completely close the door on abuse/abuser. There's those questions that never get answered or answers we don't expect. My son now almost adult/teenager is finally "going through" the stage of "dealing" with the past only because its right in front of him and he cannot move forward. He is at an age where all the emotions and questions are bombarding him. He can no longer push the emotions down anymore because they are volatile in his mind. I've tried to explain to him that he needs to deal with them and he finally is but now he is at a point where it is on his terms. Yes he has a therapist to walk him through it after all he has been through these past several years being lost and trying to "self medicate."  I am still at the bottom of the food chain of him "hating" me, it still bothers me but I've learned all of us go through "I hate you" period.  There's no rhyme or reason, just keep pushing through. I know he's angry, I get that way sometimes too. I wanted it to be all roses and butterflies but life doesn't work out that way. It has scared me into not wanting to get married again to the point of where I called off my engagement to the man I have been with for many years. I thought I was ready but my mind says no. I might never be ready and my son was not happy about that but it was my choice not his. My significant other understands and is willing to deal with it.
         Hopefully the things my son is learning on this journey will help him choose the right path or be able to understand and deal with whatever comes his way without fail. Don't get me wrong these past few years with my son have been very harrowing while he's been trying to find himself. I still have several more to go and more gray hairs to follow. I am hoping that he realizes that just because he was born his "father's son" doesn't make him a carbon copy. He has to be his own person but he's so afraid of turning out like him that when you try to avoid something it ends up being the way you try to avoid in the end. I keep telling him to think about how "he" would react or what "he" would do and think and do the complete opposite. Sounds good in theory but doesn't always work out that way. I've told him and many others have told him, he has become more like his mother than anything. It would explain why we butt heads all the time because we are so much alike but he doesn't see it that way, hopefully it will sink in. For now, its one day at a time..

EVENTUALLY..CLOSING ALL DOORS

Well, some time has passed and we move on with our lives. We snap back into a routine despite its mundaneness and we live. I finally have had a chance to finally close that proverbial door. No it wasn't a miracle I'd like to call it fate having a little fun. For some reason..I have noticed not just with me but with other women out of an abusive situation that even though we are gone and are glad to be gone we still do not close the door on our abuser. Why? Because in our minds we have this hope this wish that we will leave and all of a sudden they will miraculously do a complete 180 and be the man we wished them to be. Well life's not all puppies and unicorns. Sometimes they end up worse and become an evolved form of themselves. Meaning when we leave the wolf sheds his clothing and becomes a statistic, ok so not a good word. Becomes who they really are meant to be. I have had my proverbial door shut in my mind and my heart, not expecting it of course. No I didnt talk to him or see him in person, but one thing rings true and is constant..A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.. I believe I have finally come to terms with my abuser on a level where I can understand and realize that it all true honesty it wasn't me that was causing him to be this way..IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG.. I have come to the conclusion that you can only help someone who wants to be helped. It scares me on the same level to the point of holy crap! that could've been me but then on the same token knowing myself and my emotional tolerance level would I have made it this far..gulp! would I have been alive! NOPE!! probably not..I dare say because the roller coaster ride of my every day life with him was just too much to bare mentally,physically and emotionally. My seizures at that time were a severe indication that this isn't going to get any better no matter how much I try to "fix it." I going through what I went through this passed week in regards to him was I am finally able to completely whole heartedly able to move on with my life. Don't get me wrong I have but now that "door" is closed for me which I thought it would never be. I can honestly say I am completely done with that chapter in my life and do not need to dwell or think about the situation again or him..I feel like a weight has been moved off of me.Most women never get the chance to close the proverbial door on their abusers but what a feeling when you finally get that chance..It is like being re-born..

WHEN LITTLE THINGS MEAN ALOT

The other day I had caught up with an old friend that I have known for quite some time. We were catching up on old times and old aquaintances. In conversation my ex husband came up which I knew it would. I was okay with it, but she had visited him and his girlfriend several years ago not knowing that we were no longer together. So it was quite a shock to her that she was not greeted by me. I dared to ask her what the "old place looked like" and "was his gf/my ex friend nice to you." She replied with an answer that I had already known but needed to hear from someone else, for what? I don't know peace of mind, poetic justice, I don't know, I guess in mind it was something that I didn't even know was really bothering me that much. Apparently it was. It seemed so petty in conversation now that I look back but it was my way of knowing that "his life" is still a shambles and just how bad the alcoholism has gotten and abuse. She gave me an answer I was actually surprised by and grateful for all in 2 sentences. Some things never change just get progresively worse. I believe it was a way to realize that things will never change and he will never change. His life will always be miserable because he is miserable and every day that I do something for my son or myself that betters our life the worse his life is. I suppose his life will always be stagnant and our lives will continue to shine. Someone once told me that I didn't need him, he needed me and that he kept me the way he did because he didn't want to see us shine because he knew we would leave him. He knew if he let us go that we wouldn't need him that is why he kept us down for so long. Eventually if you keep someone down for so long they eventually forget how to shine and live..because you forget who you are and who you were. That is the only way abusers seem to keep control of the person they are abusing..I guess it meant alot to me that he is still miserable and I am not..Petty?? maybe...but I sometimes we need affirmation for our own peace of mind...

PICKING UP THE PIECES..AGAIN

hmmm....Where do I begin...Well..One thing I have noticed myself included is that where do you go from an abusive situation? I can only use my own life as an example but what do you now that you finally have your life back? I was very young when I was in that situation and had no career and very little job experience except the basic waitressing and ugh..retail jobs. How can we start over where do we go from here? I spent so many years not being able to live out my dreams never thinking they would actually happen. I don't have the money  to go back to school, economic times and hard to find jobs make it even more difficult. Writing has always been my passion but lately does not pay the bills. I have come to the conclusion it is time for a career change. Now its about "refinding and redefining"
 ourselves..oh boy..I thought that process was over but apparently someone has a very twisted sense of humor. I have thought about a particular career but "my fear" always pushes the idea away. I've been toying with the idea for some time now I have even mentioned it in my book but I guess a big part of me is scared to death over it. Some women when they leave their abusive situations mostly have or had careers and the education to back it up. Then there's that percentage that do not have the skills,education or experience to make it on their own. Dead end jobs are all we know. Okay so we receive "grants" to help but we spend alot of money on books we can't afford which leaves us with no money. What do you do if you have children they have needs too. I know what I spend on groceries for one child I couldn't imagine 2 or more..not to mention clothes and shoes..the basics. Now move in the "rent,utilities, car insurance and repairs, etc." what is left? ZERO. Not every woman has had the luxury of gaining an education and/or career and can pick up where they left off. I am not able to make 60K a year or even 30k a year so then what? we fight the system tooth and nail to get help and its still not enough. Its not hard to see and know people losing their houses,jobs and livelihood..Normal jobs are hard to come by but what do you do when even the crappy jobs are non-existent? its a never ending circle..we end up just chasing our tails..

ACCEPTANCE...CLOSING DOORS..

Sometimes relationships can dissolve amicably and most likely not. The hardest part besides walking away is staying away. Realizing that you will never have the answers to questions or the answers you want to hear is very difficult to endure when all you want to do is move on. The door never completely closes, of course it can stay ajar but doesn't always close. Even when we can get a chance to "talk" to our abusers the conversation never turns out the way we want or expect. I remember that I had rehearsed this whole speech in my head over and over again. I had questions that I wanted honest answers too, but when I did get the chance to be face to face the conversation didn't go as planned. You have to learn to let go and accept the outcome. Mentally preparing is very frustrating when all you want to know is "WHY?" It took years for the anger to subside and sometimes it does arise but I have come to realize and accept that I was a different person back then. That person no longer exists. One thing that had surprised me so many years ago when I did talk to my ex abuser was the power was gone. I was stronger and he had realized that he had no power over me anymore. His demeanor was different maybe it was age, I don't know..but I used that to my advantage because I was in charge of the conversation. I know in my heart that I will never get to say everything I want to him but I have learned enough to realize that "you get what you need, not what you want." After being safe and secure, I was told to write a letter to him about the things I didn't get to say, it could be as long or as short as I wanted it to be. I was also informed NOT to mail it, which I didn't. Thirteen pages later and many rewrites. It was very theraputic. I made 2 copies one I kept and one I destroyed. I burned the second letter as a form of "letting it go." The other one I kept in a journal to be put away and not to be looked at not yet anway. It helped me let go of the anger, pain and sadness but it also helped me say what I wanted to say without interuption. I got it all off my chest and was cleansed of it. So in my mind it was my heart and mind closing the door on that life and completely letting go of that part of my life. Then I was ready to move on and start over..acceptance..

A NEW DAY A NEW STRUGGLE

Well, just when you think you have a handle on your life...BAM!! Something knocks you back a few steps,Why?? because it can. Every once in awhile you think you shut off "them" in your head and when something positive is going on in your life you hear them "playing the same old song over and over again." " You're gonna fail,you're not good at anything,why would they want you you're a loser,you're worthless.." The list could go on forever. What makes it even more bone chilling these "tapes" playing are my abusers voice. It doesn't happen often but it still happens from time to time. Usually I can stuff them down and move on but sometimes they are powerful because of my "feelings" that day or moment. Yes, I still get on that proverbial pity pot every once in awhile, I am only human. Unfortunately, it can take a couple of days to calm that down and keep myself going no matter what happens. "The old tapes playing" is one of the many effects of the abuse,the brainwashing. After constantly hearing these words day in and day out, year after year, you tend to believe them. Like I said you have to "reprogram" your brain sometimes though certain things creep up on you. Its all in how you handle it and let it go, some days are better than others. I "cleaned up" those degrading words they used to be more "descriptive." No sense in getting banned for in appropiate language, but thats a sample of what I would hear, a small sample. Of course there were plenty more where that came from. Abusers usually like to keep their victims down to make themselves feel good. When they call them those names or speak to them that way, nine times out of ten that is the way they are feeling about themselves. I haven't seen my ex in many years really don't have a reason too but I do know one thing about life its funny in an ironic sort of way. "What goes around comes around."

Moving On...

I know I go on and on about healing and breaking the cycle..but sometimes we need a little help from "our friends." I used to think that I wore this "survivor tag" on my forehead but I soon realized with the help of friends and people who have just met me  that I don't perceive myself that way. If the topic came up and somehow it always did  I didn't talk about the last 12 years of my life with anyone. It was like a void. I sometimes felt like I was living a double life. In a sense I was because the person I knew was in there seemed so little at the time and the person I was becoming was so "surreal." It took me a long time to open up to friends I had made along the way about my past but when "abuse" came up in topics I would cry and walk away. I tried to explain to certain people who "just didn't get it." Verbal and Emotional Abuse can be very difficult to explain inless you have been there, I know that sounds cliche but I suppose it is. Think of it as sitting in a dark room in a chair not being able to move,talk or even be around people and in this room is music, one song playing over and over again. At first you are okay I can learn to like this song and you even sing along in the beginning but eventually it starts to get annoying, then it gets dreadful until you start screaming for someone, anyone to shut it off. By this time months and years go by, then you realize "oh crap." When the music is finally shut off the song is still playing in your head and you think damn just one moment of silence, just one night of peacefulness. You eventually lower the volume in your head but the song remains the same and every time you hear it you want to rip your friggin ears off. When you see someone with a "radio" you want to smash it, every time you hear someone raise their voice or speak to someone inappropiately you cower and fall silent. When you get to a point in your healing you learn to shut off the "tapes" of your abuser it takes time but in time you learn to stuff the voices (song) You know its gonna be around but you're a little calmer and a little stronger. Abuse is abuse. Now that I went on a rant. Mental Warfare goes hand in hand with V and E abuse. Now that it has been so long my friends cannot believe that I went through that for so long not just with my abuser but my parents also. Especially since they know the person that I am now. I joke with them that you don't want to meet the person that I was hell I don't even want to remember that person, I buried her a long time ago. If you find yourself in a situation where your gut goes in knots when you are around your mate and not in a good way, that's your intution telling you this is not right and not acceptable, leave. Do not think it will get better, do not think that you can change them, do not accept this and feel that you deserve this because you do not..Do not take it as a joke because they are not..

frog in a pot: He's NOT him..comparing all relationships to your ...

frog in a pot: He's NOT him..comparing all relationships to your ...: "Okay so you're out of the abusive relationship and you really think your ready to date. Well hopefully enough healing and time has passed fo..."

He's NOT him..comparing all relationships to your old one

Okay so you're out of the abusive relationship and you really think your ready to date. Well hopefully enough healing and time has passed for you to continue to be healthy. It took me a year and I wasn't really looking for a relationship, it found me..well via, my son. We've been together 7 years and let me tell you it has had it bumps,obstacles, train wrecks and roller coaster rides but its still going because he has become my best friend. It took me a LONG time not to compare past the past relationship with this one. I have to catch myself once in awhile "well so and so used to say or do this or that." It is a realy hard habit to break. Even on an intimate level which is the worst thing to do to a man. In the beginning My son and I kept waiting for the "proverbial other shoe to drop" and when it didn't we had a hard time dealing with the normalcy. Its difficult to heal alone and work on yourself but when you add a mate to the whole situation it is even harder. Sometimes we think we are ready and we are defensive,untrusting and flat out crazy but if this person really loves you then they will stick around. Just remember in order to break the cycle truly break the cycle we have to be comfortable in our own skin and its all about self esteem. You learn to have a "tough cookie" attitude and rationalize everything from situations to conversations. I know for myself I would take everything out of context and feel I needed to persecute. I learned that it takes so long to adjust to thinking and feeling for ourselves that there are sooooo many "triggers" to set us off. At first we don't realize just how bad it could get. It can be something so minute to something so huge. Like oh that's how "so and so used to fold clothes" or "thats what so and so used to say" or "thats what so and so used to love" We don't even realize that we are doing this at the moment until someone calls us out on it. It takes time to erase those "tapes" in our heads. New memories are important. I used to stay away from places My ex and I used to go because most of the time they were bad memories, but now I have no fear and go to those places for 2 reasons one to tackle my fear and second to make new memories. It's all about New Memories because we have to "reprogram" our brains when we think about things in the past we have to delete and record new data. So next time we think about that place it will be recalled as a good memory and not a crappy one. It's hard not to compare our past relationship with a new one even if it wasn't abusive because our minds are still processing the loss of the person. It's even worse when you compare the "bedroom antics" with your new mate but it happens and you deal with it as best as you can. There are going to be quite a few issues with that but you have to work with your mate together. That can take awhile but it will happen in less you've made your partner feel like he is a idiot. So when dealing with your "new' mate remember to change the channel in your head..and enjoy life.

PTSD: coping and dealing with or without medication..

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has become more and more prevalent in not just veterans but also teenagers,mothers,fathers etc. There are alot more people being diagnosed with this Disorder. The key to this is do we medicate or not medicate? Myself? My teenage son? Well it has come to my realization that my son who his now a teenager is "finally" feeling the brunt of the past abusive situation that we have survived. I myself know it will be a LONG road to haul helping him deal with these emotions but I know deep down inside he will get through it. It takes time and patience. I was leary about putting him on medication but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. It was a last resort. He is young and resilient so hopefully we can get through this together. I am not "anti medication" or "pro medication" but I have come to realize that sometimes we do need something other than counseling to get through things for that moment in time. I don't recommend trying to deal with PTSD without it. Been there done that. I also had intense therapy through the ordeal. I see and know everything my son is going through and it pains me that he has to go through this now. I guess I was hoping that this was all behind us but some like I said in another post heal at there own pace and some never heal. An abuse survivor can go through the same effects as a veteran just on a different plane. There are still flashbacks, triggers reliving the pain over and over again in our minds and even having to reprogram our minds not to think like our old selves. I was told by the pyschatrist that dealing with it now between the ages of 14-19 have better chances of healing it as a opposed to waiting till we are adults. He had stated that someone my age will probably have to deal with PTSD on a certain level for the rest of my life because a part of our brain that processes those emotions and memories shut down after a certain age. Basically what is engrained there stays there and goes on permanent lunch, in less properly treated. I don't know how I got through my own "stuff" I guess I wanted it so badly to be free I did everything I knew possible to deal with it. I sometimes still have a hard time talking about it. Not so much for the fact that I don't want too but more so because I am embarrased of it and also don't want to be reminded of who I was then. In my eyes that person no longer exist and is not who I am today. Writing my book on what I had gone through was also very healing and therapuetic. I honestly believe that was a BIG help on healing my heart and soul. It was a roller coaster every step of the way. PTSD is not something you can just "get over" it can take years to heal and deal. Most cases do need medication I only say that because it helps you focus and sort the things you need to deal with once you open a flood gate. The medication helps you handle and sort each instance and emotion one at a time instead of an avalanche of them. It helps it become not so overwhelming. It is not a cure nor does it make everything "go away." So to medicate or not to medicate?

VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

I can't strees enough just how devasting verbal and emotional abuse can be. Yes, Physical Abuse is at the top of everyone's list as being the worst, but in my opinion its not. Bruises,Broken Bones, and even death are extreme, most people wonder why women stay so long if they are being "beaten." It's not always that cut and dry. Abusers don't always start off by hitting, there are levels of abuse. It can start off with verbal and emotional abuse. People usually say "oh its only words, or I wouldn't let him talk to me that way or treat me that way.' The bottom line is most people do on some level accept certain things in a relationship, I call it "blinded love" we see things differently when we love someone, but are the first to see others "getting abused" ironically can't see our own situation for what it is. The Military can use "mental warfare" and "brainwashing" as a defense tactic. That is the primary beginning of abuse. Think of it as being a hostage in a hostile environment, granted your not tied to a chair in a small room but you get the idea. Constant degradation,humiliation, withholding, torture...but eventually the person will crack. Hearing something constantly every day for however long does wear on you. Sometimes the verbal abuse is subtle and sometimes like in my situation its not. We are programmed to do things a certain way or speak a certain way to live a certain way and if we don't comply there will be consequences, severely. For example, A normal scenario: A woman has to go to the supermarket for a few things for dinner or is running late coming home from work, she calls up her spouse and say "hey I am running late, I will be there when I can, did you want me to pick anything up" Spouse is response:" okay no problem, I think we need milk, see you when you get home."
An Abusive scenario: The woman gets everything done before the spouse comes home and has a drink or dinner on table to avoid conflict." You don't schedule things that late or work too late and are home for them to make dinner. You also have to the house clean,kids fed, dogs walked and a nice meal on the table, before they come home. If these needs are not met then there will be a fight among fights, screaming,yelling and maybe even a push,shove or grab. It is constant and afterwhile you start believing what you are hearing about yourself no matter how hard you try to push it out of your mind it stays because you start to think well if I did this or said that maybe he wouldn't have acted or reacted that way. You start reenacting scenarios out in your head so you can avoid conflict. Forget about if you try to argue,fight or defend yourself, it makes things worse. It seems to fuel the situation because thats what they are looking for resistance, it makes them fight harder. Its like a drug to an abuser. After awhile you begin to lose your will to fight and just go with the flow, because your energy is gone. It can take years for a woman to realize she's even being verbally and emotionally abused by then there is so much internal damage that it can take just as many years to undo it. For every one year you've been in an abusive situation add 2 years to the healing. It took me many years to deprogram my brain and I still catch myself from time to time doing it and I correct myself as soon as I realize what I am doing. Even after you leave you still hear them in your head, their voice. They are telling you how bad you are, how fat,how skinny, how ugly, you can't do anything right, you can't cook, you are useless and how you are going to fail at everything you do or attempt. You have to learn to shut down those voices and push yourself back into your mind. It takes practice but it will happen.

TOXIC FAMILY..PART 2

Okay. Christmas is coming closer. You're dreading going to the relatives house for the Holidays. What to do? Well..It's not easy to completely walk away from a "toxic family" but sometimes you have to do what's best for you Not others. Unfortunately, I am still "linked" to mine through mail because of my son. Ironically, I do not hear from them all year except on my son's birthday and Christmas. He gets the normal cards with cash or a gift card. This year they gave him an obscene amount of money for a teenager for his birthday and Christmas which are a couple of weeks apart. Now I haven't gotten a Birthday card from them in almost 4 years, I am not complaining but it goes to show a person just how much "love" there is. The one year they sent him a card with an age on it, unfortunately it wasn't even the right age. My suggestion to people with toxic families should take a sabatical for 60 days. That will give them time to reacess the situation and give you time for a plan of action. It will also give you an idea the level of toxicity. I did that myself it was actually 90 days. Sometimes we have to step out of ourselves in order to see the whole picture of the problem. It gives us a new perspective. I also kept a journal of our conversations, phone calls, mail etc. I even mentioned how many time I tried to speak up for myself and tried to divert the conversation. My mother's response was I should really talk to my father. He apparently was still bitter over an incident that happened when I was 18. I have apologized over and over again explaining my reasoning. Out of my whole life she only had that "one incident" to condemn me with, my reply was about the "list" of things that "hurt" me. The one that gets her the most was when I was told to get an abortion or move out because she didn't like my ex husband. The grandchild they "adore" so much, which they wouldn't even have if I had listened. When they realized I didn't comply they threw me out pregnant at 6 months. That's there way of thinking..go figure..SO take the time to think about your situation and weigh out the pros and cons. If the family relationship is that toxic you really have to think about a way to deal with it or work around it. I will tell you this from what I have learned is that toxic families never ever get better only worse..Merry Christmas and Good Luck.

THE HOLIDAYS

Always loved the holidays...sometimes..but they were always bittersweet. Usually there was tension, abuse or lack of money. Actually most of the time all of the above. These past few years has been different, except for the lack of money, somehow that always remains constant. lol. Christmas used to be so much fun and now I am a little bit older and a little bit wiser. When did it come down to knowing who you could say what to? Ergo "Happy Holidays" We have become so indifferent on watching and listening to what we say to people so we don't offend them. When did Merry Christmas or Happy Hanakah become so offensive. People of course run you over in the stores like you are not even standing there, really? I figured young people would be guilty of it but NO its the elderly generation and 50's generation. I was taught to have respect for my elders but how can I when they are running me over in stores, running me down on the road,still driving when they shouldn't be and flipping me off,yes flipping me off as they go by. Then we get the "transplants" from a particular State and they think they do own the whole damn road and the whole damn store. Then when you call them  out on it they curse you up and down..My favorite saying has become more prevalent nowadays "Welcome to Jersey Now go the f' home!"
I remember a time when the holidays used to be about giving and sharing..Not about gifts or money. It was surrounding yourself with family and friends..having a good time, maybe even getting a little tipsy. Enjoying a nice day with a little extra. Now its become who gives the best presents,who gives the most money and eventually Christmas will be non-existent entirely so we won't have to worry about..Our kids will be telling their kids and grandkids, "I remember when we had one day out of the year where we all gathered around the table and had a full dinner,gave gifts,laughed, talked and enjoyed each others company."

knowing when to "clean house"

I had mentioned before that I like to "clean house" on friends. I have done this for a very long time because sometimes friends drift apart, we change or they have an agenda. When I left my abusive situation I had come to the realization that I had to change people,places and things in order to completely move on. Sometimes its a healthy choice and sometimes we just do what we have to do which may seem selfish. It can seem selfish but we have to do whats best for us to heal and move on. I had to remove all "links" to my old life, much easier said than done. On certain aspects it was a little easier but as far as friends from the old neighborhood they made it pretty easy because I was now considered an outsider. They pushed me away which in turn I feel were never my friends to begin with. I change and grow every day so does my dreams,hopes and goals. Some friends change with us and some stay stagnant and the friendship becomes unhealthy. I've lost alot of friends along the way to my own demise but also because they weren't real friends to begin with. A true friend is there for you no matter what and vice versa, they cry with you when you're sad and kick you in the butt when you need it. They also do not make you feel bad when things in your life are going well and they are having a hard time. They are happy for you when things go right and sad for you when they dont. They DO NOT criticize you for your accomplishments,make you feel bad for good things in your life or only acknowledge you when they need something. Too many people in this day and age don't bother with other people and ironically I now know why. People have agendas, social appearances/standings or are aquaintances. No one knows how to be a true friend these days. People are/have been so closed off in their lives because they don't want any drama or be bothered with anyone else's crap. If they are your "friend" it has come down to "keeping up with the jones', what they can get from you/agenda, or aren't a real friend just someone to talk to till someone better comes along. Very few people will give you their shirt off their back anymore because eventually they will want the shirt back with interest. One thing I have learned in my healing that people are put in our lives for a reason, for that moment to help us deal with whatever we are going through but eventually there comes a time when you realize that your common ground is no longer common. So gradually you start to pull away.. It's not easy these days to find someone real that will stick with you through thick and thin because eventually it wears off..so tread lightly and go with your gut..

HAVING A HARD TIME HEALING from abuse

Getting out of an abusive situation can take a long time BUT healing from it takes even longer. Everyone has there own healing pace, if you try to "rush" it, it can and will backfire on you. A little bit each day no more than you can handle and sometimes you have good days and sometimes really bad days. Rome wasn't built in a day. It will be a severe roller coaster of emotions, Up and DOWN, side to side. One thing I have learned is YOU will get through it no matter how bad things seem or may get. This too shall pass. There were days I was soo angry at him and some days I was angry at myself.  Why was I angry at myself? because I stayed so long. I had the case of "shoulda,woulda,couldas but didn'ts." Crying is a very important part of the healing process, seriously, it releases us, it relieves us mentally. Its a cleansing. Don't worry about what lay ahead think about the present the moment if you have too. There were days where I was dealing with it hour by hour. Its what you can handle. We basically have to grieve,deal, grieve, deal, get mad, cry,deal, and scream. It is not easy and there will be times for a split second where you try to justify "going back" but remember thinking about it can be dangerous because we are vulnerable. As long as you don't act on it things will start to become clear. Eventually when the thought does come around again and believe me it will, it won't even be thought of for longer than a millisecond and be gone. It took me a long long time to "reprogram" my mind into believing that he wasn't going to come bashing through the door and spouting obscenties to "where's his f'in dinner you lazy c*** bag?!" like we really have to answer that. One thing that kept the healing process moving forward was a journal. Write it down no matter how stupid or petty it seems to you, its not. At first it will be hard and the entries will seem forced or you will be all across the board and it will seem like a crazy person wrote it but keep writing. Eventually it will all make sense. No matter what in the beginning when you first start the journal keep the entries going forward do not be tempted to look at past entries not until you are ready and that might take some time. When you completely fill up the 5 subject notebook YES 5 subject then you can look through your entries and see your good days and bad days. It will also help you understand the healing and what you've gone through in such a short amount of time. One saying I write in the beginning of all my journals is something that keeps me going. "Fear is only as strong as the power you give it." remember the more you feel free the smaller the power of them gets. It is all about taking back the power of ourselves. Finding out who we are and what we can become..that is the greatest power..

THE PAST IS THE PAST...SOMETIMES

Well another Holiday has passed without a hitch. It's funny how you spend so much time trying to avoid things from your past; friends,places and memories, but they have a funny way of creeping up on you when you least expect it. I caught up with an old friend who I have know for over 20 something years. We got together and met at a place I normally don't feel comfortable, "a College Bar." Yeah I know what was I thinking...really what was I thinking? The level of noise was that of a "rock concert" which I believe is quieter. We were all stacked like cattle couldn't move, couldn't breathe, body parts were being positioned in ways they shouldn't have. Anyway..I was hoping not to run into anyone else I knew, which in that town is hard not to do. Ironically its less than a mile from where I used to live with my ex husband. Lo and Behold, I ran into someone from the "neighborhood" which I had a feeling I would since I knew they frequented that place. It was awkward, really awkward. It's not even about not really saying anything to this person which we barely said hello to. I remarked later on to my friend that it's not about "running into" people that bothers me its my new life getting back to my ex that bothers me. I worked too hard to get where I am at today and in my opinion "he" doesn't deserve to know about his son or my life. He lost that right many years ago. People don't understand what I mean when I say that. Its basically like what are you afraid of, it has nothing to do with "fear" its more about privacy. He didn't care about us when we were married and a family so why should he be allowed to know what goes on in our lives. We spent too many years trying to recover from him and forget about him. Why should we be reminded of where we were and who we were when we were together? Small town, people usually can't wait to say "Oh guess who I ran into at the Bar?" No matter how you slice it there isn't a nice way of saying that.lol. News travels at the speed of light in a small town. Its like everyone needs to tell me what's going on in his life, If I really really wanted to know I would have asked, Did I? NO! I also came to the conclusion that I have hit that mark of where I am officially "old" and the "College Bar Scene" is not for me. I want to go somewhere and be able to sit, have a few drinks, be able to talk and hear myself think. It just seems that no matter what I do or where I go I cannot get away from my old life. I guess that saying this State isn't big enough for the both of us rings true. just a small rant. That I don't want to be reminded of my past that is why it is called a past because it is gone. You want to talk about the present and possibly the future I am all ears but let the skeletons stay where they are because they are resting peacefully..alone..

REMEMBERING...MEMORIAL..

These upcoming Holidays are so bittersweet for me. I have "no real family" per se, my son,boyfriend and I usually surround ourselves with friends during these times. Basically anyone who doesn't have a place to go on Thanksgiving and Christmas. My table has been full with laughter,good food, and love. This year is different as was last year. I lost a very very dear friend of mine due to Domestic Violence, Unfortunately Her husband was never convicted of the said crime because It was more on the "Verbal and Emotional Abuse" level. She was an epileptic but the stress of everything going on in their "life" pushed her over the edge. "They" said she had a seizure and never woke up. This was a week before Christmas. No matter how many times you talk to women or show them that the "grass is greener" on the other side sometimes they are just so far gone that nothing you say or do will help. Specially if they are not ready to listen. In my mind her abuser/husband will always be at fault for her early demise, she was only 35 years old and left behind 3 beautiful children. Who now have a wonderful, healthy, happy life. She was there for me in the "height" of my abusive situation and we bonded over our parellel lives. It breaks my heart that I had to bury such a young woman, a good friend. In the last several months before her death, her husband didn't like the fact that I knew more than I should about his life and I was "filling her head"with all this nonsense. He had alot of very dark secrets that he kept from the outside world and I believe on some level from her. He put a wedge between my friend and the kids because we were getting "too close" and he didn't like it. On the same token, unfortunately she allowed it because he had her so brainwashed that he "was perfect" and everyone in the outside world was out to get "them." I kept close tabs on her and the kids because I worried about her constantly, with every right too. On the day of her funeral, her husband actually tried to keep the kids away from me but her oldest who I had known since he was a baby and my son grew up with wouldn't leave my side. Every chance he got when his father wasn't around he would be glued to us. He knew that we knew the truth because he could always be himself when he would come over to hang out. He was a really good kid but his parents never gave him the benefit of the doubt or tools to shine. I recently saw pictures of the kids since they are now living with there Aunt they are loved,clean,healthy and happy for the first time in their lives, with no contact with their father. Their isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her, when she passed a piece of my heart left too. I see her smile,her eyes and her rebellion in those kids and it makes my heart proud that her spirit still lives on...in the children...I miss you and love you my dear friend MARCIA...R.I.P. 12-17-2009.

BREAK THE SILENCE..BREAK THE CYCLE..moving on...

Okay so You're out of the abusive situation Now What? Be prepared to face a convoy of emotions all at once. They can be doled out a little at a time or they can be a flood gate. It's all up to you. With a good counselor you can learn to ease into dealing with them one at a time. It will be a roller coaster and unfortunately you will have a moment of insanity to where you think "it wasn't so bad,things will be different because I know what I am dealing with and can handle it." Having that split second decision will either make you or break you. You will start to rationalize that it wasn't so bad and you can handle it because still in your heart you can't "let go" of them. Thats what I call "stinking thinking." I found for myself this last time around when those thoughts come around and they will every so often that you keep yourself occupied, mentally and physically. Stay away from phones and getting in your car. I would say oh I am just going for a drive and end up driving by the old neighborhood, just to see if he was out there. We even rationalize it "Oh we ran into each other." I had a restraining order so that wasn't a smart thing to do. All the other times I left I still left the proverbial door open, just in case. This time I made sure I never went back. I filed a restraining order which I knew in my mind I would never go against. Sure I did drive through the old neighborhood to see old friends but made sure he wasn't around or home. That way it wasn't in "violation" of the order. I also got brazen enough to "allow" him to see me from a distance but would leave as soon as he did. In mu mind that was "see what you lost and never will have again" attitude. I was still so angry for so long, so going back wasn't in my mind at all. He took so much from me and all I did was give,give,give. It was an exhausting relationship. Even without the abuse at times because when things would go wrong he would pin them on me and blame me for my "issues" but in reality it was really his "issues" that caused alot of the problems. It's one thing to have issues in a marriage besides money, but add alcohol,abuse, infidelity,children etc. It is a rising volcano and eventually will be very very messy. There were never apologies from him. I would be angry at him for something, he would manipulate the whole thing and he should've been apologizing but in the end I would be saying I am sorry for something he did. He was that good at it, he had a good teacher, his mother. Its incredible how verbal and emotional abuse and even mental are so "quiet." The year I left was "surreal" I don't know how I got through it. I think in the beginning I didn't focus on it and stuffed it because my son was going through it and I had to be strong for him. SO I didn't deal with my own demons for awhile. I just trudged through and cried myself to sleep mostly. My nightmares couldn't be hidden. I just dealt with them the best I could. Some of them were flashbacks inside of nightmares. I had no one around I could trust to talk to. My "mother" didn't want to hear about it, "out of sight out of mind." My son and I weren't allowed to talk about where we had been or what we had endured, my son didn't know how to handle it. So we had our night of going out to dinner just the two of us and we would talk about everything that we weren't allowed to talk about. Which helped my son mostly because he needed that reassurance of it wasn't his fault. It also gave us time to be ourselves in front of each other without being "scolded" for it. I didn't have a choice to not go back "home" but you do what you have to for your child. I basically went from the frying pan to the fire living at home. In my heart I knew it wouldn't last but it was "safe" clean and warm. We kept ourselves busy so we wouldn't have to be there much which was hard to do because I even got yelled at for that. My son joined cub scouts and we did ALOT of outings and functions. My son loved it, but it made us come home all hours. In "normal" peoples minds it wasn't late. Between den meetings,pack meetings and hanging out with friends it was normal. We were home by 8pm at the latest and usually it wasn't a school night. Just another reason to complain about how much of an unfit mother I am...some things never change I suppose..

TOXIC FAMILY...WHY DO WE INHALE??

It's true not ALL of us came from "perfect" families, actually most of us know the truth of dysfunctionalism at its best. How,Why and When to walk,run or shy away? It took me almost a lifetime to find the courage to leave. I was well in my 30's before I realized "Hey its NOT all me and its not MY FAULT on everything that goes wrong in this world!"
We've tried calmly talking,we've tried begging and pleading, we've taken our periodical departure, we've even written letters, we've even called them out on it. BUT NOTHING works on a permanent basis. Your last hope...your last ditch effort, you either stand by and just "go with the flow" or "you walk away for good." I can't say that will work for everyone, but sometimes you have to do what's right for you and your well being. For me when the "time" came it was a no brainer. After healing and dealing with my abusive marriage it came down to one more cleansing. I was still feeling the "burn" of abusiveness. I couldn't move on. Through the years I had tried all the above but still to this day I am made to feel like I am the "piece of crap they stepped in many years ago and can't get off their shoe." I have made my mother cry and my father...well thats another story..but still no relief. It took a life changing moment to realize that this is where it all began and they were dragging my son into the realm of insanity. That's where it stopped. The way they had treated me all these years was being implicated to my son because he was the "spawn of me" and couldn't think for himself, ergo just like I couldn't at 30 something years old. I finally broke the abuse cycle and my life has gotten so much better on every sense of the reason. I am an only child so I had no guilt trips from siblings or grandparents, except an "adopted grandma" who laid down enough guilt for the last 20 something years until she got a dose of their abusiveness full force. In that moment she apologized for every moment she guilted me into calling them and now understood why. She never bothered me again but still couldn't fathom how parents can take their "love" away if things don't go their way and "love' me when things are running smoothly. My mother used to call it "tough love" thats fine but to me thats not what they were doing. I have used tough love myself but not to the point of vindictiveness. My parents didn't want to see or seem to care about what I wanted or needed. I was a callous on the heel of their lives. I don't understand why certain people have children and "try" to raise them but without emotion except anger. I was such an angry woman growing up because that was the only emotion I was allowed to feel around them. If I seemed happy or deeply sad I was told "to get over it."
Growing up was more than just toxic it was quite frankly abusive. Okay I am not pinning a halo around my head but I wasn't really a bad kid. It took me many years of therapy to finally sink in that I was a "normal kid,a normal teenager and a normal adult." SO my path through life wasn't smooth and yes I took a few obstacles, bumps and falls but to kick me while I am down and then bitch about how much of a "screw up I am" is not nuturing.
I make sure that I am straight forward with my son because I know he's not going to come to me with everything that bothers him in life but I want him to be able to come to me with the important stuff the troublesome things. I don't want him to be afraid of me to the point of where he hates me.
Being a parent doesn't come with a handbook If it did life would be easier and very boring.
The first year of being away from the toxicity was difficult because so many great things were happening in my life at that time. I had no one to share them with except my son. I couldn't call up "mom" and say "hey guess what I did or guess what happened to me" Holidays were hard also but I learned to surround myself with people who do love and care about me no strings attached. I realized every time I would walk away from them they way I did with my ex I would go back for more evenutally. I had to reprogram my brain to realize that it was not safe it was not healthy. I was only hurting myself. Of course I also had to "mourn" them because the loss technically was a loss. Even though you can't lose what you never had my mind still had to feel the pain of all those years. I was made to feel that I was this horrible horrible person and I couldn't do anything right in my life. Apparently even give birth because I am not able to have anymore children. In there eyes I couldn't live I didn't know how but ironically in the realm of that marriage, I managed to take care of the household bills, take care and raise my son, cook, clean etc. I was already doing all that although not in a good environment but it was getting done. I was never taught anything useful from them except how to "survive" by any means possible. Which actually became useful in the end as small as that was, it became my life. So do we stand by and "take it" or do we have a breaking point and learn to walk away??

Time heals..or so they say

Every day I remember pieces more and more, only to let them go like the wind. Although some do leave a lingering impression. I suppose to remind me of where I was and who I was. Damn it seems like a lifetime ago. Alas, where does the time go? I know it has been one hell of a journey and has yet to end. There are days I look back and wonder how and why I did make it. Did someone have a greater plan for me for the future or was I just lucky. It has been almost a decade, I say almost with a shutter, because I would have never thought I could get this far. My life seems almost "normal" as I am going to get. It's ironic that I am still here and still strong.
I look back, it makes me sad and a little angry at myself. If I had just left sooner would my life me going down a different path? Would would have happened if I did take the "road less traveled?" Would I be where I am at now? It makes me angry at myself because I "missed" out on alot in life, in my life. I try not  to feel that way but its hard when you see friends you know and they have their lives all wrapped up in a pretty bow. Ok, so it took me a long time to get to this point and I went around bout way of getting here. So, I didn't finish College, I don't have that $60,000 a year job, 4 kids or a $400,000 home that I own, I don't travel all over the world but you know what I am here and alive. What I did do? Escape from an abusive life of my husband and parents with my son. I didn't have anything when I left, literally didn't even know where we were going to go, I didn't have a "backup" plan. I just knew it was time to go and go far. I don't think if I didn't have my son I wouldn't have had the strength I had/have to get through what we did. I mean its one thing to leave but the staying gone is the hardest thing to do, really. I had left so many times and came back I probably broke some kind of record.  The emotions we have to endure after leaving is agony. I spent so many years "stuffing" my emotions so I wouldn't have to feel and get hurt that being Numb was all I knew. Then when I finally finally felt "safe" it was like taking the band aid off a leak in the Hoover Dam. It becomes so overwhelming like you can't breathe. If you let it, it can suffocate you. Little by little each day a little piece goes, but I think seeing how happy my son was every day made it a little easier sometimes. I was soooo angry. Sometimes I couldn't even look at my son, it was like a mirror image of "him." Now I look back and realize my son looks nothing like him and has my personality more and more each day. He is growing up to be a kind, compassionate, smart young man. It is very scary. It seems like only yesterday I was changing his diapers.lol.
Don't get me wrong there are still days after all this time that I "feel" that pain. More so like anger and sadness. When I was with my ex husband I was made to shut out the world and in turn he made the world shut me out. I was just existing and barely getting by..some days we live for the moment and some we live for the hour....